I can’t recall why it even came up, but my boyfriend recently told me that I wasn’t submissive. When he first said it I came back with “Yes I am”. Thinking or course that yes I do submit to him, because I want him to feel like the “Man” to feel dominant in the relationship. After two heart beats passed I quickly retreated from that response with “no, your right I’m independent”. Thinking on what those two words actually mean…..
Submissive– ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.
Independent– Free from outside control; not depending on other’s authority.
– Not depending on other for livelihood or subsistence.
It made me start to think real hard on whether or not a female could be both Independent and Submissive. So I took a couple friends in a great relationship, some not so great, and some not in a relationship at all, and asked them,” In your opinion can a woman submit to a man and be independent at the same time? Why, why not?” Much to my surprise their opinions on the matter weren’t what I expected some of them to be. One Friend replied, ” Yes… I feel like you can cater and be loyal and respectful to your man yet not get pushed around and stand up for your own values and thinking”. My cousin stated, ” I think so yes being independent is just having the ability to support yourself and get everything on your own without a man and a woman can do that and still submit to a man. The man just has to have a level of respect for the woman and see her as his equal and not his property.”
After getting their answers I didn’t turn it into a debate and I did not challenge why they thought this way. Don’t get me wrong I was feeling a little skeptical. To stand up for one’s own values and thinking would fall under the independent category right? To be “his equal” raised many more questions for me like are me and my spouse equal? Can spouses be equal or does someone have to be the submissive one?
Another cousin stated, ” No, because full submission you completely depend on him. You have to submit to him in every way. How are you submitting to him when you take care of yourself?”. My old boss replied,” A true independent woman could not put herself in that situation. she would never be able to submit 100%. When you mix the two more problems evolve. Now, if the man is not the one to preach submitting, then they could exist. Or if the woman gives up some of her independence, yes they could work”.
These two answers seemed more along the lines with my relationship. My bosses answer kind of helped me with the question I had about being equal. In order for a female to be both independent and submissive she would have to give up some of her independence and make some decisions with her spouse. In other words making them equals, a team. So with that being said it comes down to this… no a 100% Independent female could not be also submissive. In order to let your spouse to be the dominant one she would have to relax and trust him with the decisions of her life.
As for my actual relationship it helped me understand that we are more equal than anything else. Push comes to shove I take care of myself financially with out him because he makes it clear he is not the type of guy to pay my bills. However where we live, how we live is a equal decision, Our sex life I’m submissive (lets be honest no complaints there), and I can say that I think for myself on behalf of myself 65% of the time.
you are such a darling! you write so well!
I love your response “no, your right I’m independent”.
Relationships are about giving and taking. Being entirely open dependent, independent when required and honest to each other. Submissiveness is grey because men are oftentimes submissive in relationship just no one talks about it
I agree with this. Thank you
In any relationship whether it be between a man and woman, men with men or women with women each was created equal and needs to be treated with respect as equals. This submissive idea is wrong.
So you don’t think in some relationships there is a person that “wears the pants”?
Well in many cases one of the parties to the relationship does wear the pants as you put it, but a successful relationship is one where both parties are equal and respect each other. Submission is an unhealthy viewpoint unless it is submission to government or God.
Is that submission or subservience? Some like to be submissive(obedient) in bed in order to please their spouse. Right?
I still think that is a mutual enjoyment, Each desiring to please the other out of mutual love and respect. If you talk about submission in that context it is the same as one person exploiting the other.
Your both right – Vanilla’s, not so Vanilla, whichever, I get it with both of what your saying, however, it is best that you say this – role play is a lifestyle choice, it’s a place where people can let go and do what they wish with whom they wish or perhaps deeper is they choose who they choose to do it with… I get it.. Mutual respect is in both – yet we think we have to split each choice up.. which it really isnt that complicated… a choice is a lifestyle of a private moment shared with whom and how and where we want… so yes to both of you above.. your both right xxx