Chapter 27, page 30
My feelings are hurt and I’m a little confused on how I’m really supposed to act. So I’ll start by putting pen to paper or in this case typing words on a screen. It’s 1:45am Sunday 27th and my ex text me yesterday about this time.
He hit me with the “Do you want to hang out sometime?” Followed by the “Never mind I know the answer to that” text. I never answer these messages back so he knows that’s out the question. He has a gf that he has been with the past year and I have a bf that I have been with the past year. In my mind I’m like damn you haven’t changed. Here you are texting your ex while your gf is sleep. Where have I seen that at? Oh wait I was that gf, I was that girl laying clueless while he text/called his ex. He hits me with the “we could’ve been good together” followed by the “I’m not a piece of shit” because his current gf apparently tells him he is or something.
So at the time I lay in bed and delete all messages. I don’t want to be trapped again in the rabbit hole that is Tanner. I tell myself that he isn’t worth the risk of losing Trevis. The guy that I am still head over heels for. I don’t stay awake messaging him all night for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is I just want to be that girl that puts a stop to it. That girl that knows a guy is in a whole relationship so she leaves him alone. Do I think he will talk to another girl, another ex? Hell yea! At least I can say that it isn’t me.
Today however, I left to go hang out with Ghost, because he has been a little depressed about his break up with his girl. Ghost is my little brother for those that don’t follow my blog. I have been gone for nine hours and got home around 10 p.m. While I’m gone I called/text to check In, say hey I miss you and love you. I get no answer to my calls or responses to my text. Which of course I can see he read them, but was much too busy to see what I needed or if I was ok. Once I get home I’m like hey can you turn your game off and hang out with me. I mean nine hours alone surely my boyfriend missed me or wanted to hang out with me. WROONG. Three hours go bye and I’m watching game after new game be started and I’m like wow really.
I’ll admit I’m a little toxic to be with because I turn the TV off mid game (ok really it was the end of the game and he won the game *rolls eyes*). He flips out like wtf! I’m like really 12 hours on your game you don’t check on me, you don’t want to hang out with me. It’s 1am the only thing that comes next is bed time soo I’m in my feelings and feel real irrelevant today. He is like it’s my day off I can play my game, I don’t want to hang out with you. Now guys if you are reading this that to a female is harsh. You just hurt our feelings all the way. I don’t care if she acts tough like Fuck you then. No buddy you just crushed her feelings. Specially if you all live together. We live together so for a guy to rather I have stayed gone or at the very least went all day without talking to him hurt my feelings. All I can do is sit here and type because that blows my mind.
Friday I played that “what if” game us females like to play. You know the one we’re everything is hypothetically speaking? I was like if I had a job were I was gone for weeks/months at a time could you handle it? Relationship test, not everyone’s relationship can hand this. The answer is no, he would cheat. Soo I ask if I had a three day business trip that I had to complete in order to get a raise could you handle that? This question is more realistic. I had a three day business trip and Tanner attempted to cheat on me, but the girl wasn’t DTF the first night I was gone. A story for another time. Soo again the answer was no he wouldn’t be able to handle it, because he thinks I would cheat and would worry what was really going on in the hotel room.
I was gone nine hours already got ignored for three more hours, only to be told he didn’t want to spend time with me today. Soo 12 hours already that’s one day on a business trip. Tomorrow my cousin is having a party for his kid soo I’ll be gone all day tomorrow too. That’s two days on a business trip. Hell I’m starting to think a business trip won’t make a difference. I guess the difference is I’m home soo he knows I’m not out messing around.
These two guys just have me confused and at a loss with them. One wants to basically cheat on his gf to come hang out with me and I’m sure if I was DTF he would be too. One is perfectly ok with not having to spend time with me all day long.
I honestly don’t know what to say or how to feel about any of it. I just know none of it makes me feel good. Someone that is supposed to stay on stand by for them when they are ready.
Total loss– A state of confusion, lack of answers or results.
Have you had moments like this? Let me know in the comments below.
