Being spoiled most my life has feed into my anger in some of the worst ways. Not being able to do what I want soon enough or get what I want soon enough leads to an uncontrollable rage. Some days it can be as simple as a smell that’s sets me off. The higher my standards or expectations the harder it is for me to control myself. Every day is different and every response is as well. Punching walls, smashing glasses, yelling, crying, cussing….It all comes so fast it makes my head want to explode.
To fly off the handle of something so simple never makes me happy. Nothing comes from anger except lashing out and hurtful responses in pointless arguments. I often find myself asking God for forgiveness and the ability to think smarter and calm down. The worst thing is when the calm finally hits and I regret everything. The anger becomes so much it’s almost like having a demon inside you that is trying to set fire to everything in front of you. If my life was a movie you would see my spirit watching my body move and react to things around. Watching and telling myself to calm down as I try desperately to reconnect and take control over my body to get it to stop. All I would need is a second to myself to connect and gain control again. Some days it takes longer than other days to stop.
I’ve hurt my spouse more times than I can remember by picking just the most heartless thing to say. I hurt him and put him down when he himself is hurting or already having a hard time. My anger doesn’t allow me to care about what he has going on or how he even feels at the time. All I can do is push him away, digging deeper and deeper to make him reconsider his choice to be with me. I remember a time where I screamed I hate him and wished he would die. told him that he was such a horrible boyfriend. The look on his face, that hurt snapped me out of my rage all too late. I had walked to my room and he followed me to the room crying. He didn’t understand why I was treating him like that or what he had to set me off. Sadly I don’t remember what triggered me either, just that horrible feeling I felt when I seen his tears. I grabbed him and apologized I couldn’t believe I had just said such hateful things to him.
My cousin became my crutch. At any point I felt out of control I would call her. I needed someone to talk me off the edge of wanting to break something, smash something, or fight someone. One night when she was seeking solitude and I could’t reach her I got in a fight with one of my boyfriends exes. I couldn’t get the little girl out of my life and the very mention of her name would set me off. She made the mistake of showing up to my house and taunting me to come out. Normally my cousin would talk me out of something so reckless but like I said I couldn’t reach her. This poor little girl had no idea the demon that she was poking. My boyfriend and her bestie or whatever she was pulled me away from the girl. I felt so bad that after that I decided I had to find another way to control my anger when my cousin is out of reach.
Gods plan was never for his children to be so heartless so cruel yet that is what anger brings to the table. If I told you that I’m aware of this and the problems it causes all while saying id stop and never get angry again. well…. That would be a sin all of its own.
We all lose it a little sometimes. Tell me about a moment where you experience wrath in the comments or summit your story to charlene@curiosityandconfession.org.
Wrath (Anger) – Strong feelings of annoyance, displeasure or hostility.
Confession, C. A. (2018, January 14). WRATH (Anger). Retrieved from https://curiosityandconfession.blogspot.com/2018/01/wrath-anger.html
