Solitude

Chapter 27, Page 1

It is said that time and tragedy can cause depression. When I was younger I told my older cousin Ayana that depression was nothing more than a emotion. I was convinced that my mother could choose to be happy, she was just a evil woman that liked to ruin our parties and other holidays. How uneducated I was as a child, with what my mother had to struggle with.

Years later, I started to worry about Ayana and what was going on in her world. For the most part my cousin gets back to me fairly quickly. However there are days that go by and I do not get a response back. I would text her then message her on Facebook just to make sure it isn’t my connection or something. In all honesty it would drive me crazy to not hear back from her for so long. Finally I decided to just ask if she was busy more now and was just forgetting to get back to me. Most people I know take there phones to the bathroom so the odds of not getting a response back is mind blowing. Let me remind you she has three boys the oldest is nine and the youngest is two. Not to mention she sometimes worked two different jobs.

Finally she got back to me. “With my depression I isolate myself from everyone. I read my messages and in my head I reply, but in reality I don’t because I never want to talk to anyone. I try to start conversation with people so it doesn’t seem like I’m acting funny but I never finish the conversation,” she replied back.

It made sense when I started to think about it. For days my messages would go unanswered while her Facebook would read as active. I picture her sitting on the couch scrolling online without really seeing anything. She is just going through the motions and waiting for the wave to pass

The medication she takes is not always strong enough and the depression comes in waves. Sometimes the waves are heavier than the next she says.

To say that I understand what she is going through would be a lie. However I do get why sometime she finds herself withdrawn from the world. Wanting nothing more than to disappear from reach of humans.

The picture above I sketched out a couple years ago from a picture I seen on Facebook of the girl sitting there alone and trapped in her own head. With nothing more than a a wall in a dark room. I added the numbers and words to show how cramped it can get. This picture I dedicate to Ayana because although I will never really understand whats going on from experience I am still here. When everything starts to get dark and you don’t know how to get away from yourself. I’m here.